If he's been unfaithful, how do you move on?

If you discover your partner has been unfaithful, understandably you'll be hurt...but where do you go from there? Here's our expert's advice on dealing with cheating

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- Give yourself time. That's time to be sad, time to be hurt, and time to be furious. These are normal, healthy reactions. To get through the initial shock and pain, get him out of your life or get out of his, at least for a while, without telling the world and his wife what's happened.

- Separate your wounded pride from your love for him. It's downright humiliating to be cheated on, so through your pain, separate your love for him from your wounded pride. Telling yourself that he's cheated because you're fat, ugly and don't deserve him may be a natural reaction, but it's wrong. Your self-confidence and his inability to be faithful are two very different problems. 
 
- Once you've dried your tears, ask yourself how bad it really is. There's being unfaithful and then there's being unfaithful. Having sex with someone else and falling in love with someone else are very different. The best way to help you understand this is to talk to someone you're close to, preferably a male (obviously not your dad or your ex!) who can help you understand the situation better.

- Try and understand why. There are often deep-seated reasons for adultery, such as frustration or commitment phobia. It often acts as an alarm bell. Instead of retreating into your corner, re-establish communication with your partner and find out the real reasons why he was unfaithful. It's often less serious than you think. Seeing a therapist may help. 

- Keep busy and go out. Discovering your partner has been unfaithful makes you feel empty, unloved and prone to depression. Fill the void by going out, socialising and seeing friends, even if you don't feel like it. Don't let yourself spend too much time on your own brooding.

- Can you forgive? If you still have feelings for him, you may be able to forgive - as long as you still both want to be together and you feel you can trust each other again. Forgiveness can be akin to weakness if you just accept what's happened and don't work at your problems, so if you're going to make things work you both need to make the effort to change what's wrong in your relationship.  

With thanks to Odile Jacob Publishing.

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