• Understanding Men 

Making (and consuming) the perfect Mandwich

The Mandwich © D Sharon Pruitt/Flickr (cc)
If you've ever read an early edition of FHM or recent Shortlist you'll know that "Bloke Humour" can at times be very very funny.
But it's when they're not even tying that boys are at their funniest. Get a group of them together and the banter will almost instaneously turn to obscure discussions on subjects we have usually never even heard of... and it doesn't matter if the group are in thier thrities or their teens.
Recently up for discussion amongst the soFeminine boys was The Mandwich. Ever heard of it? No, neither had we.
This subject was treated with such gravity that a directive was filed from the inventor of said sandwich (yeah, it's a sandwich) for all to slavishly obey - or else!
Emails were exchanged, more banter was had and a new law was passed in Bloke Land. If you want to be one step ahead of your fella, here are the rules for making the perfect 'Mandwich' for your man and his mates.
1. It's a mandwich, so nothing girly about it
2. Unhealthy white bread is a must and makes the mandwich (pronounced 'manwich') more mandwichly (pronounced 'manwichly')
3. Any healthy or green items are allowed, so long as they comply with the following:
They must...
a) have a lower (combined) mass than the meat in the madwich, and
b) contribute to the flavour of the madwich, not just it's nutritional value.
4. If these rules can only be met by introducing extra slices (or slabs) of meat - so be it.
5. The mandwich can be cut once, not more. Diddy little squares or triangles are for girls and other non-men.
6. The cut of a mandwich must be as irregular as possible to earn extra mandwichliness and therefore more credibility.
7. Having one side bigger than the other is a must and the big side must always be eaten first.
8. Contents dropping out before, during and (on the odd occasion) after eating the mandwich is highly encouraged.
9. If you like sauce on your mandwich, beware - low calorie or 'diet' sauces can reduce mandwichliness. Keep it full fat and spread thickly.
10. If you can provoke a woman to shake her head disparagingly at you just because you're eating a mandwich - you've done it, you're right there in the 'Mandwich Zone'.
11. Scooby Doo (and to a lesser extent his mate Shaggy) is a great source of inspiration to any of us striving to create a mandwich.
12. Scrappy Doo, on the other hand, we'd quite happily send overseas to become part of a Korean mandwich.
13. Finally - any man who can adhere to these rules and create a mandwich that defies description, upsetting all women about him, dropping mandwich contents before, during and even after his mandwich - in front of witnesses - can gain the title Earl of Mandwich.
An emergency 14th amendment was issued for Michael Curran, inventor of the Mandwich philosophy, after a bright young spark thought a mandwich was just a big ol' club sandwich or something and could include extra bread. He had to be "reconditioned"...
14. Extra slices of bread, set in between the filling of the mandwich, are completely and utterly forbidden. They serve no purpose other than to keep the whole thing neat and tidy. As such they have no place in the mandwich. Use doorstop sized slabs of meat instead.
So there you have it! Go make your man a mandwich.

Published by editorial staff Love & Sex
26 Apr 2010

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