But they don't. Poor b*stards. So to make it easier for everyone - here's what we mean when we say something completely different.
Do anything BUT forget what we have just told you, we're just too tired to spell whatever it is you've done out AH-gain. In fact, do yourself a favour and write it down 'cos you can bet this is gonna come back up.
"I don’t want to talk about it"
We definitely do want to talk about it but we're basically waiting for you to show you're a human being with E-MO-TIONS and care enough to coax it out of us. Not messed up at all right?
This could mean literally ANYTHING. We're tired/ stressed/ emotional/ angry - maybe even that we're actually fine...
Nah, it's never that. So do a bit of digging.
"I’m not angry"
We are abso-freaking-lutely furious at you right now and if you’ve not figured out what it is yet - just get out while you can.
This is a test. Don't be the douche that fails.
"Are you going to wear that?"
Don’t wear that. In fact, take that off and burn it.
They always say silence speaks louder than words. So if we've stopped talking and taken to heavy breathing, we suggest you get out while you can still walk.
"What did you just say?"
We heard what you just said. We didn't like what you just said. So change or rephrase whatever it was immediately before opening your mouth again. Unless it's "Sorry, I love you."
"What are you up to tonight?"
What are up to with me tonight.
"Do what you want"
Okay so 100 per cent do NOT do whatever you are just about to do. It will not work out OK for you.
"Do you want meet my parents?"
We’re doing it, so best get on board
"Are you listening to me?"
We already know you're not listening and we're giving you one last chance to correct your error before this sh*t blows up in your face.
"I’ll be done in a minute"
Pah! We won’t be done for another half an hour and you know that, so quit hassling us and relax.
"Have I put on weight?"
Come on, no idiot wants to know the real answer to that question unless they're a total narcissist. Just shake your head and tell us we look beautiful.
"Are you gonna leave that there?"
We're not your mum, pick up your stuff. Now.
"I’ll just have a little look in this shop"
Yeah, you might as well settle down for the count because if we've walked into a Topshop sale, ain't no-one going to rush us out outta there.
"You just don’t care about me"
OK we know you care really, we've just had a bad day and are just fishing for some love, so give it.
Yeah, we won't. If our discussion ends in a 'we'll see' it means we've already made up our minds and the answer is nope.
If you ask if it's OK to cancel our date to go out with a mate and we say yes. We mean no, fool.
If you ask if it's OK to go to on the sleazy stag of your cheating a**hole friend and we say maybe - yeah, that's a absolute no.
Think you've got the all clear when you've asked if we mind watching Darts ALL weekend and we say no. Uh oh. Yeah we mind.
So yeah, we're all cray, but if you know what we're really saying, women are actually EASY to understand. Think we've missed anything? Tweet us at @sofeminineUK.