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Dead Arms, Cat Fights & Never Eating Again: 17 Stages Of Sale Shopping

by Lareese Craig Published on 17/12/2014 at 00:00
Dead Arms, Cat Fights & Never Eating Again: 17 Stages Of Sale Shopping

Sales shopping is no place to make friends. It's every woman for her own. Finding the cheap clothes and bringing them home is your ONLY mission.

1. You pick a friend

You recruit your wing woman. The taller the better, that way she can eliminate any immediate threats. Don't rule out befriending that pal from primary school that was always on the back line in class photos.

2. You fuel up first

This is gonna take some serious energy, better inhale some bacon en route.

3. You sort your game plan

It's simple really. You know what you're going in for and you won't stop until you get it. Relentless is your middle name.

4. You dress to undress

Too hot and you run the risk of fainting, too cold and you'll be too distracted by the cosy bed wear. A girl's gotta think about these things. Wear something you can whip on and off. Leggings and a top and kick-them-off shoes are you winning ensemble.

5. You keep your eyes on the prize

£10 on any other day and you'd be laughing but in sales... daylight robbery much?!

6. You tackle the rails

Oh great here's my size! Said no one ever.

7. You face-planting

Being on the sales floor suddenly takes on a more literal meaning when someone topples you to the floor to get a look at that 'Last Chance' rail. Mmm dust. YUMMY!

8. The dead arm effect

Seriously move a little bit slower people because balancing coat hangers on your WRIST has never been easier.

9. The tactical thinking

Sh*t just got serious. That woman that tried to queue jump? Swear blind she was shop lifting and get her arse kicked outta there. Ain't nobody got time for time-wasting!

10. You sweat. A lot.

We're talking drips down the back and seeping into your pants and everything. It's fine - it happens to the best of us.

11. The yo-yo purchase

You're strong, you can do this just put the item back and walk away. Or don't.

12. The calculator

Trying to locate your phone with no hands should be interesting but once you're ladden with bags the time has come to access the damage and count down the weeks until you can eat again.

13. FOMO

You don't even want those knee high boots but if someone else shows interest? Well, they're coming home with you mumma.

14. The queue fear

It's like signing your life away.

15. You make it out...

Alive. Always a bonus! On to the next shop!

16. But then this happens

17. Homeward bound

And use what little energy you have left to upload your Instagram and evil laugh into all your new purchases. Merhahaha. So. Very. Worth. It. Now excuse me while I stroke my poor deformed feet.

What kind of sales shopper are you? Tweet us @sofeminineUK

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Lareese Craig
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