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Topshop's Latest "Jeans" Are An Abomination To Trousers Everywhere

by Pascale Day Published on 24 April 2017
© Topshop.co.uk

It seems that these days Topshop are on a mission to make us stress-cry every time we internet shop. The latest in a long line of sartorial faux pas is the "MOTO Clear Plastic Straight Leg Jeans", which are, in fact, not jeans at all, but a transparent plastic nightmare.

Topshop have been at the forefront of dodgy fashion for a while now, and we have a horrible feeling that the latest offender - the MOTO Clear Plastic Straight Leg Jeans, £55 - are just the tip of the iceberg. I mean, they sure are playing fast and loose with the term 'jeans' here aren't they, because there is not a single thread of denim on this pair of trousers. But don't worry, they have all the traits of a normal pair of jeans, like pockets. So at least everyone on the tube can see where you keep your debit card.

The Topshop site describes these trousers as "out-of-the-ordinary clear plastic jeans - guaranteed to get people talking" - which is probably quite accurate since all your co-workers will be asking each other if you're in the middle of a nervous breakdown. And your parents? They'll be seriously discussing whether you've started taking heavy drugs and if you need to move home for a while.

When are these 'jeans' ever going to be acceptable to wear in public - or in private, for that matter? Sure they're the perfect fashion novelty for a muddy British festival, but this is not a look that translates well when you're meeting your mum for a coffee at Starbucks, say, or having a romantic picnic with your boyf. (Actually scratch that last one - wipe clean trousers when you have a coleslaw-based picnic emergency is pretty handy.)

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When you think about it, these waterproof trousers (I'm sorry, I just can't bring myself to keep calling them jeans) are more suited to winter than summer. In the chillier months, they'll save you getting soaked to the bone. But in summer, imagine how sweaty they're going to get. Just picture it: your skin is going to be sticking to these like nobody's business. It'll look like when you put your bum up against a shower screen. And when it comes to peeling them off, I imagine the sensation is going to be similar to when you've been sat on a leather sofa for 6 hours on a humid August afternoon. And speaking of humidity, summer's gonna bring the heat. It's going be a broken-tent-in-the-jungle kinda sitch - you're going to have to deal with all the sweat and condensation getting trapped inside these bad boys, so don't forget to carry a travel-size squeegee with you at all times.

I guess the real dilemma here is, what pants are you going to wear? Let's get real honest here, ladies - our underwear drawer is five percent sexy undies and ninety-five percent comfy-as-hell granny pants. How are you going to maintain the illusion that you wear nice panties on the regular if you only have like, one pair? What if you're a thong kind of girl? Then what? There's just too many factors to take into consideration when all you want to do is find some trousers to wear to work in the morning. Seems too much like hard work to me.

© Topshop.co.uk

What do you think of Topshop's latest creation? Let us know! @sofeminineUK

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