1. Dining alone is your favourite thing
You get to eat all the food you want! Smelly food, messy food, whatever. The world is your delicious, fetid oyster. You can eat a whole basket of garlic bread at a restaurant because you haven't got to put your mouth on someone else's mouth later that night. You get to eat spaghetti bolognese every damn night, because you don't have to worry about anyone seeing that spaghetti splashing bolognese sauce all over your face. You simply get a bread roll and mop that sh*t right up. What a time to be alive!
2. You've stopped looking after your appearance completely
Oh, there's soup in my hair? That's cool. You like it? Me too...
3. Valentine's day is just another day where you have to hide from smug couples
Valentine's Day is unbelievably crap. Everywhere you look someone is feeding someone else something undeniably delicious in a horrendously intimate fashion, and you feel like a pervert even though you were there first, just trying to enjoy your sandwich on your lunch break. Plus, couples seem to really hate it when you heckle their marriage proposal.
4. Singles mixers are becoming ever more appealing
You always said that you'd avoid parties aimed at single people at all costs, but now you find yourself in a bar with a cocktail in hand and a green sticker on your top that might as well say "Hello, my name is Lonely". Green stickers mean single. Red means taken. But when you get there it's like staring out into a deep viridescent sea of sad sacks just waiting to tell you that you remind them of their mum. On the other hand, they do have a never-ending buffet of tequila and Steak McCoys, so....
5. Nights out always end the same depressing way
You have a great night out with your friends, try to be on your best form comedy-wise, so the hot guy you're bantering with doesn't notice your wonky new fringe that you're really paranoid about. Then you go home alone and sit on the kitchen floor, cutting slices from a 1kg block of cheese and putting them directly into your mouth as you scream/cry/sing along with Adele's albums sequentially.
6. Your mum's love life is thriving more than yours
Your mum is going out on major dates with loads of nice fellas, and you're stuck in the house looking after her shih tzu for the night. How does that work? Where are your dates? She's eating her third steak of the week and you're eating a microwaveable meal for one. Life is just not fair.
7. The only person who really knows what you want is the barista at your local Starbucks
Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet ready at 8.30am on the dot? You know me so well!
8. Your nights are spent with greasy food and Orange Is The New Black alone in bed
What could be better than enjoying a dominos meal deal in bed whilst snorting along to another funny thing that Taystee said?! Sex, probably.
9. You call out into an empty house when you order enough Chinese food for four people
You yell "Dinner's here!" every time, but the delivery guy knows that your sweats - the ones covered in sweet and sour sauce stains - are on for a reason. You're ready to get settled into your comfy ass dent on the sofa and cry into a foil container of szechuan pork. He's just getting out of there quick so you don't invite him in again.
10. You're always put on the "single's table"
Just because all your meals come from plastic containers, that doesn't mean you don't have feelings, right? And not only that, when it comes to family dinners and weddings, if you don't have a date you're immediately assigned to the kids table, destined to spend the rest of eternity eating your minestrone soup with a side of crayons.
11. Your cats are like your children
They all have human names, personalities, and outfits that match said personalities. And, of course, they get pushed around in a pram. "I mean, sometimes Dave the cat doesn't like being pushed around in the pram," you're telling the 17 year old checkout girl in Morrisons, "but that's just classic Dave! Always doing her own thang..." And then you start laughing hysterically as you pack away all the kitty litter before putting your credit card back into the pocket of the feline-themed fleece you're always wearing.
12. You know all the regulars shopping in the 'meals for one' aisle by name
It's just you and Weird Jeff, every Friday, buying lasagne and a whole chocolate gateaux each.
13. You try to get some strange in weird-ass places
There's looking for a hookup in bars, and then there's trawling public transport to find the cutest guy to entice back to your lair with your sexy banter. Take it from us, ladies: the X10 night bus is not the best place to be trying to find your future husband.
14. Texting is a particularly sad affair
The only texts you get are from Dominos - although you hear significantly less from them these days - and your mum, asking you how to fix the wifi at her house. Last week you got a text from a stranger, but it turns out it was a wrong number kinda sitch. So when someone does eventually text you on purpose you feel the need to explicitly express your loneliness.
15. You get to hold the family pet in all your parent's photos
Captain Meow has been good to you over the years.
16. You'll do anything to feel the touch of another person
You know that when you're looking at Topman mannequins adoringly, or you start to love getting on a busy train just to feel the warmth of another body pressed against yours, you need to get a body on yours on purpose.
17. Your flirting game is all off
You're either too inconspicuous or horribly offensive. No matter what Fifty Shades of Grey says, trying to use asparagus as an erotic prop in your sexual mind games does not work in real life. But neither does being aloof. If someone could tell us the secret to good flirting, please let us know ASAP.
18. You have no need to shave any of your body hair anymore
Seriously, it's like it's the 70's all over again down there.
19. The last 5 people you went on dates with are married now
Yeah, they told you that they weren't looking for anything serious, they told you that they weren't the "marrying kind', but now Facebook tells you all of them, ALL OF THEM, are shacked up with a Mrs, and right now they're honeymooning in Bora Bora with check-ins like this: "Mr and Mrs Smith think it's time for another pina colada! #livingthedream"? Cut me a little slack, Zuckerberg.
20. You've accepted that you're going to die alone
But secretly, the idea of all your cats turning up in tiny black suits and wiping away their kitty tears with a tissue makes you really, really happy.
Are you single AF? We feel you sister. Let us know: @sofeminineUK
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