Home / Entertainment / News celebrities

Entertainment

The Most WTF Sentences From Blake Lively's New Site, Preserve.us

by Carla Cain Walther Published on 23 July 2014
The Most WTF Sentences From Blake Lively's New Site, Preserve.us© Preserve

Blake Lively's lifestyle site launched yesterday evening and the reviews are mixed. We respect her entrepreneurial spirit, and we're sure her Gossip Girl fans will buy up all the cute, Free People-esque clothes in the shop. However, if you take a closer look at the writing, it might leave you scratching your head...

In her Letter from the Editor on her site, Preserve.us, Blake is upfront about her lack of expertise. "I’m no editor, no artisan, no expert. And certainly no arbiter of what you should buy, wear, or eat.”

The honesty's appreciated but it's not a great opener for a site that literally curates items for people to buy, wear, and eat...Anyway, the "part digital monthly magazine, part e-commerce venture, part video blog," according to Vogue.com, often reads like a Livejournal entry from 2001.

On BBQs:

"Allow us to be so bold as to posit that a barbecue is an inherently medieval affair. From where do we arrive at this conclusion? Pray consider it, dear reader: the customary American cookout is a fundamentally Gothic idea, updated with modern values and cuisine.The gathering involves communal seating, shared plates, festive music and fire-prepared victuals shoved into food-messed face-holes sans cutlery."

....WUT?

On music at said BBQ:

"Our villain, the TROUBADOUR (in modern parlance, Mister DJ) approaches his task with all requisite seriousness, with nary a token of regard for the sonorous inclinations of others. A fair damsel doth seek mellow music to accompany her meal? Let’s try Yoko Ono on eleven. Too much? John Cage at mid-volume then. What, you don’t like avant-electroacoustic? Okay fine, Laura Nyro. There, everybody’s happy.

BLAKE, you have to warn us before switching into Middle English!!!

On ice-cream sundaes:

"To me, a sundae is a message from the subconscious, a stratified glimpse into a man’s desire hierarchy. At the bottom, fudge forms a chocolate-y blanket for the id, topped off by the cool, simple pleasure of ice cream. Coffee is my lifeblood. That’s a flavor that will definitely be involved, for energy. A touch of summer smoke salt adds character. Lots more chocolate, this time with bourbon mixed in, and yes, a cherry on top. Much like life, a sundae is what you make it, and mine is straight swag. "

On the $18 spoon she's selling:

"There is hardly a more fitting place for a subtly suggestive hint than the bowl of a vintage silver plated spoon. A request for the very love act named for its curvature is hand engraved here in an innocent old-time typewriter font. In case there was any question, a tiny heart seals the deal. Food useable, this special bit of flatware is a constant reminder to cuddle up. "

Oh good! I was worried that my cereal spoon wouldn't be "food-useable!"

On giving to charity:

"We are aware that a lot of what we are selling is outlandish in a world where people are starving and have nowhere to sleep. This is a real problem. One that even on our high horse we can’t ignore."

On men wearing hats:

"​Go ahead, put on that hat and hit the streets. Take Orlando up on his challenge. Discover a halo of swagger radiating from your skull. Feel a cascade of cool washing from your crown to your toe-tips. Soon, you find yourself walking taller, a defiant pep in your step. An older man approaches—one who, by his dapper look, appears to have time-traveled here from Old New York. He does a classic, Broadway-worthy double-take. “They don’t make ‘em like that anymore,” he says, motioning to the fabulousness atop your head."

Some people love it...

Hate it

Our verdict?

We're not in love...yet but it's only the first issue!

What do you think of Blake Lively's new side gig? Tweet us @sofeminineUK!