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The Professional, The Chiller Or The Monster: 8 Types of Women We Turn Into When We Give Birth

by Carla Cain Walther ,
The Professional, The Chiller Or The Monster: 8 Types of Women We Turn Into When We Give Birth© Krysten Marlette Photography

Doesn't matter if you're having a home birth, natural birth or begging your midwife to give you pain meds, every woman has her own particular style when it comes to giving birth. Some of us have to scream our way through it, some of us like to make bargains with Mother Nature to get by. One thing's for sure, you never know which one you're going to be until those waters have broken. Which one of these did you turn into mid labour?

  1. · The Monster
  2. · The Chiller
  3. · The Doctor's Aid
  4. · The Professional
  5. · The Cringer
  6. · The Quitter
  7. · The Live Tweeter
  8. · The Solo Performer

The Monster

Well, since you're the star of the show and the only one doing the actual work, childbirth is the perfect time to release your inner tyrant without risking friendships or the love of your family, right?

Throughout the whole ordeal, you scream for everyone to shut the hell up when you want them to, force your hubby or mum to rub your feet whenever they need some massaging, make your siblings sneak in some real food instead of icky hospital grub and shout at your doctor like you've swallowed a megaphone.

You know what though, you're popping out a freaking baby and, like, advancing the human race, so you can save the manners for the dinner table. Be as nasty and irritable as you want!

The Chiller

If it weren't for your bulging baby belly, everyone would think you were mistakenly admitted the to maternity ward.!

You're the one who closes her eyes and doesn't make a peep during contractions, take a nap when you're halfway dilated, and crack jokes between pushes. Also The Shins play softy in the background while your husband sets up your aromatherapy oils.

You're like, totally chill, man, and everyone (including unborn baby!) is grateful for it!

The Doctor's Aid

Throughout your pregnancy you read so many baby books and articles on the best way to give birth, that you fancy yourself an expert.

​You question everything the doctors or nurses say, give unsolicited medical advice, and just generally make their jobs a tad bit harder.

The Professional

You're the one who's had one or two babies before and knows exactly how to go about giving birth like a freakin' G.

​You know precisely what you need and when, you know who you want in the room with you and won't budge even for your sister-in-law, and grit your teeth through the hardest part.

At this point, having a baby is a piece of cake for you!​

The Cringer

Even though everyone tells you that modesty flies out the window the moment the first contraction starts, you can't help but cringe about the entire room seeing you spread eagle with your boobs hanging out of your dressing gown.

​You tear up when you know, deep down, that you will (literally) probably sh*t yourself and you start to resent your midwife for poking and prodding at your vagina every few hours like it's a science experiment. All we can say is sorry, woman, childbirth has no room for modesty!

The Quitter

God, the tearing, the screaming, the epidural that didn't do sh*t. When all the horrible parts of giving birth start to accumulate and no one in the room is understanding HOW MUCH PAIN YOU'RE IN, giving up sounds like the only thing you can do.

So you cry, try to close your legs, swat the doctor and nurses away and pray that somehow your baby will magically float out of your uterus.

The Live Tweeter

Some ladies are happy to have extended family and friends in the birthing room. Others like to invite the general public into the labour by live tweeting or Facebooking!

You bravely update your status with recaps of your labour, share TMI facts about the current state of your vagina, and, of course, upload a pic of your minutes-old cutie right after he slides out into the world! Live Tweeting your labour might piss some people off, but screw 'em, you multi tasking wonder woman!

The Solo Performer

You thought you wanted your husband in the room but screw that. Of course, he'll stay but you tell him to quiet down when he chants encouragements to you.

This labour has nothing to do with him or the medical team - it's just you and that goddamn baby, so you keep an inner monologue running ("you can do this, you can do this") and pretty much zone out. You're made of strong stuff lady!

What kind of birth did you have? Tweet us @sofeminineUK

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Carla Cain Walther
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