Who knows what the Kardashians(/Jenners) were thinking when Ryan Seacrest approached the blended family in 2007 to produce a show based off of their exploits. Ok, who are we kidding? They were probably thinking, “MONEY!!” and boy were they right about that.
Nine seasons and several spin-off shows later, the Kardashians have turned themselves into the epitome of accidental stardom. They’re famous because...well, no one knows exactly why but we can't change it now. They owe it all to that not-so-raunchy ten minute sex tape (featuring a pre-surgery Kim) that launched the Kardashian name into the spotlight. To many people, the family represents the worst of conspicuous consumption - huge mansions, luxury cars, closets full of designer clothes. When they hear the word “recession,” they grab their foreheads in fear of their hairlines going.
The entire world loves to hate the brown-haired clan but get a girl drunk enough and she’ll likely admit that she’d trade a few limbs, maybe a firstborn, to join the Kardashian family. Sure, you’d be giving up intellectual discussion and personal integrity but you’d be on Christian Louboutin’s speed dial!
So, girl, if you're ready to make that sacrifice then read ahead:
Have a "K" name
If your parents didn't bless you with a "K" name then...sorry you need to legally change it to "Kristy" or "Klare" or "Karla." Can't be a Kardashian without a K!
Have friends in high places
When you're just starting out, riding the coattails of better known friends is CRUCIAL for getting your face in mags and your name on everyone's lips. Even if said friend kind of annoys you, you can always ditch her once you reach the top.
Enlist a glam squad
Uh...the Kardashian ladies don't know how to put on eyeliner. Their hands shake with fatigue the second they pick up make-up products. The only things they lift that weigh more than a 16oz frap from Starbucks are the Kardashian babies. If you can't afford a glam squad then enlist your talented friends to do you up every morning.
Hair must be ON POINT every day
Don't think for one second you can leave the house with your hair looking anything less than pristine. You'll know you've reached Kardashian-heights of coiffe perfection when women trip over themselves trying to stop you in the street to ask who your stylist is. And you won't tell them, of course.
Post face selfies all the time
You must upload a selfie to your 10 social media accounts once every hour. You can't deprive the public of your perfectly shaped brows and nude lippy!
Hire a family plastic surgeon who is always on call
Bruce likes to think of himself as the only sane one in the Kardashian family, but he has one obvious thing in common with his wife and several step-children - plastic surgery.
This bullet point is optional but to be a diehard Kardashian, you should think about going under the knife for a "simple procedure" or Botox or...ok! Just lift your face with some invisible tape if you can't afford anything else!
Have a love/hate relationship with your mother
Your mother must be three things to you now - your best friend, your mortal enemy, and a pain in your ass.
Poor Krissy is constantly crying and wondering why they don’t treat her as nicely as they do Bruce. “I’m always the bad guy!” is her go to response to any push back from her kids, namely Kourtney. Don't worry, Kris. They rag on you because the viewers love it, but whenever it's time to show her the love, her kids do it in a big way.
Don't give a fuq and the world won't either
And with that succinct answer to her older sister, Kourtney, questioning why she made that damn sex tape in the first place, Kim kinda turned it into a non-issue. We’ve all done some things we wouldn’t want our mom to see while horny. Sadly for Kim, her mom and the entire viewing public watched her get it on with singer, Ray J.
Yet, as a Kardashian-wannabe, exhibiting high levels of resilience and delusion not seen in normal human beings is the only way to wash off all the haterade that will get dumped on you every single day.
Slap your name on any money-making venture
If it can be packaged and sold the Kardashians will put their name on it so you must follow suit. Makeup? Handbags? Shoes? Perfume? Adult diapers? Line your pockets, girl! You only live once!
Always say hi to your haterz
Eventually it'll become the cool new thing for people to hate you, and unfortunately you're gonna have to take it...but no one says you can't do it with a megawatt smile and a freshly manicured middle finger!
Show up at every event you can get to
Who cares if you're not an actress, work your connections and show up at the Golden Globes anyway. You won't be known if you're not seen!
Living like a Kardashian means crashing the party so much that celebrities and journalists just expect you to be there! Eventually you'll start receiving proper invites to events.
Now, as a faux Kardashian, you'll have to work your way up to those fancy award shows, so go to the ribbon cutting of your local pizza shop and attend every bar mitzvah within 100 miles of your house. Just get yourself out there!
Take butt selfies
Obviously, you gotta show off what your mama gave ya to the viewing public (and feed the haterz).
When you're serious about something - "BIBLE" it
#Bible, no one will believe anything you say unless you swear to the #Bible.
If you like it, it's "so cute!"
Eliminate all other adjectives from your vocabulary. Everything you want and need is now SO CUTE!
Why pay when you can freebie?
If you follow these rules, soon you'll have pushy PR agents from numerous companies bombarding your inbox with requests to wear their lipgloss or be pap'd drinking their speciality smoothie blend. You'd be a fool not to take advantage!
Kim had her first wedding paid for by sponsors and look at all the wonderful, long-lasting memories she got out of it! Oops, well I guess she never wants to think about Kris Humphries again, but at least she got to keep her freebies and will get TONS more when she marries Kanye.
Rock that Birkin
The Kardashian women LOVE their Birkin bags. They have one in every color and probably use their older ones to store their excess weave.
You can't really live like a Kardashian without this closet staple. The'yre absurdly expensive but...tax returns are coming soon! Forget your rent, sell some clothes, sell your kidney and then use your extra cash to splurge on a Birkin. You know want it...it's, like, SO CUTE!
Only trust your family
No one else but your family will understand the unique and surreal experience of being an accidental celeb so keep 'em close!
Like the real Kardashians, your family won't treat you any differently simply because you're dating a basketball player or musician. Sure, they fight a lot and say some pretty mean comments to each other but it is always followed by a heartfelt apology.
To truly live like a Kardashian, you have to make sure you show your family tons of love!
What other tips would you share with Kardashian-wannabes? Tweet us @sofeminineUK
