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22 Things Every January Dieter Knows To Be True

Pascale Day
by Pascale Day Published on 15 January 2016

Dieting is hard, man. And there's something about January that makes it so much harder. Perhaps it's the cold weather, or how busy the gym is, or how you can remember that just three weeks ago you were eating cheese topped with even more cheese and it was OK or a mixture of all of the above. Whatever the reason, dieting in January is absolute hell. Here's 22 life nuggets that January dieters can relate to (but, unfortunately, not eat).

1. Pinterest boards become your new fitspiration and are the only thing to stop you falling off the wagon

You have numerous pin boards that feature models with super bods, inspirational quotes and so many different variations of quinoa salad. So whenever you're feeling like eating a whole bar of fruit and nut or scoffing down a hundred sausage rolls, you go look at your emergency fitspiration board and the craving goes away for, like, an hour.

2. You have to delete all your food porn from Instagram

Seriously, you just cannot look at that many cupcakes in a row without wanting to cry and/or eat all the cupcakes in the world. They just need to go. THEY NEED TO GO.

3. You feel the need to tell everyone that you're on a diet

"No thanks, I'm on a diet", "I can't eat that, I'm on a diet", "Did someone say diet? Because I'm on one". Seriously, no one cares about your diet but you, but you so desperately want everyone to congratulate you for not eating a mars bar every hour of the day.

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4. Scales become your new best friend and worst enemy all at the same time

They are both a blessing and a curse. If you've lost more than two pounds in a week you want to pick them up and give 'em a kiss. But if you've lost nothing, you're ready to smash them with a sledgehammer and leave the remains outside in the rain.

5. You keep thinking back to all the food you ate over Christmas

They were good times, weren't they? Yeah, none of your clothes fit you anymore, even the elasticated ones, but you keep looking back on December like it's a romantic montage scene in a romcom. And now you're stuck in healthy living hell *weep*

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6. You begin buying fitness dvds even though you have no space to do them

You buy all of them. The best-selling ones, the ones at the bottom of the bargain bin, they've all got to be good, right? You've got Davina's one, the Hollyoaks one, the one by the girl in Geordie Shore who wet herself.

7. You've heard your gym playlist a million times

You know that after Beyonce comes Jason Derulo and you know after Jason Derulo comes all the drum n bass, which means it's time to move onto the running machine, and then it's over to the mats for a lie-down-shut-your-eyes-and-die session with Birdy.

8. The phrase 'new year, new you' makes you want to cry so many salty tears

New year, new you! New year, new you, right? It's the one thing that sends your blood boiling, because becoming a new you takes a lot more than three gym sessions a week for one month. Unless you shave all your hair and eyebrows off, no one notices the difference in you that first month, except maybe that you're boring AF and don't drink as much wine as you used to.

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9. When someone notices you've lost weight it feels like you've won an Oscar

But, on the offchance you do manage to drop a bit of weight quite quickly - either that or people have been told you're on a diet and trying to encourage you - when someone tells you how good you're looking, you just want to cry tears of joy and Fredo kiss them right on their beautiful mouth. In that moment, all those times you spent too long in the gym and couldn't walk properly, and ate steamed vegetables day after day, they become totally worth it.

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10. You get real competitive with all your friends

"Jodie did 40 sit-ups, huh? Well I'm going to do ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY SIT-UPS."

​That's you by the way, right before you try and complete said 150 sit-ups whilst trying to pretend it ain't no thang, but we all know that when you get home you're going to be taking a bunch of Ibuprofens and rubbing deep heat into that ruined stomach of yours. Gym buddies quickly turn into gym frenemies all too easily.

11. You get really pissed when all the crosstrainers are taken in the gym

As you're now a "gym person", your sole struggle in life becomes trying to guess the time that there's likely to be a cross trainer free at the gym. No cross trainer, and your whole workout is thrown out of whack so there's no point in even TRYING to exercise and you'll just have to go home and eat a big bowl of pasta and THAT is all the gym's fault.

12. And the second hardest part of your day is ignoring the vending machine in the lobby of your gym

Whhhy? Why is there always a vending machine placed strategically in the optimum position in the reception of the gym? It's like it moves into your eye-line every time you leave the gym, like a haunted children's doll. And it always has the most delicious treats in it - old school sweets, 10p crisps, milkshakes. Everything that is going to take the 300 calories you've just burnt off in the gym, throw them on the floor and stamp all over them. It's as if the gym WANTS your membership to go on forever.

13. You also feel the need to tell everyone when you've gone to the gym

You go to ONE personal training session and you come out of the gym feeling like a goddess. You so desperately want to run up to people on the street, grab them by the shirt collar and shout in their face "I'VE BEEN TO THE GYM ALREADY TODAY" before dropping down and challenging them to a squatting contest.

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14. You become obsessed with calorie counting

Calorie counting is the only thing that encourages you to get better at maths. You become a Good Will Hunting level at maths when it comes to adding up your calories for the day. Or, if you're lazy, you have an app for that, because you know that all the time spent adding Kcals in your head is time that you could be spending in the gym pumping iron....right? Right....

15. You're counting down the days to Feb , but you know that's not the end of it

It feels like the first month of 2016 is just a slog, that you will see the other side of it soon but in reality you know that a diet is for life, not just for January. Being healthy is a lifestyle change, and it breaks your heart that you can't go back to eating sweets for lunch in February.

16. The hardest part of your day is dragging your ass to the gym before or after work...

It's choosing between having to ruin your cosy warm lie in, or ruining a cosy warm night in (or worse - turning down a dinner date with friends). There's no good time to go to the gym because it will always ruin all your plans. Even if those plans are just an early evening powernap.

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17. Selfies are the best way to tell if you're losing weight

The amount of selfies that you take over the first month of dieting rises exponentially, because this is how everyone scrutinizes their body now - it's 2016 for crying out loud. A mirror is useless to you now; it's all about how your arse looks in that belfie or how your chin(s) look on Instagram after a week of eating kale, or what filter will look best with the new jeans you treated yourself to after ab-crunching like there's no tomorrow.

18. You realise how many sports bras you need to own to actually work out everyday

This gym life, it ain't a cheap one. So. Many. Bras.

19. You become tempted by all the fad diets

It's so tempting to do an aloe vera cleanse instead of regular exercise if you're promised results fast, but you know you'll be desperately unhappy choking down some rancid aloe gel instead of eating actual food. It's a no-win situation. I guess you just have to find the lesser of two evils.

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20. You have your boot camp trainer's number on speed dial

Just in case he needs to talk you out of a McDonald's binge.

21. You hate all your friends that are still drinking wine and eating cheese

So you go out for dinner and whilst you're crunching down on a bare romaine, your so-called friends are gorging on red wine and a whole wheel of camembert right in front of your eyes. "January is soooo haaaaard. I'm trying to cut down this month," they say, as they wipe the cheese from around their mouth with a crusty white baguette which they then eat and then wipe their hands on their size eight dress. You do not need these people in your life in January.

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22. And all your friends hate going out with you

Because you ask for everything on the side, and whether the fish is steamed, and how many calories does the water have in if there's a slice of lemon in it and if butter is a carb. They will leave you be for a couple of months until you've chilled the f*ck out and are ready to enjoy life again.

Are you a January dieter? We feel your pain! Tweet us: @sofeminineUK

You might also like...

The Ultimate A-Z Of Diets: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Crappy New Year? 22 Reasons Why January Is The Worst Month Of All

Monday To Friday Health Hacks: 17 Easy Ways To Make Your Days A Whole Lot Healthier​​​

by Pascale Day

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