1. You need to be geographically close to somewhere that serves food
A day out needs precise planning. For example, if you're going to the beach, is that beach near an ice cream stand or fish and chip shop? No? Then the beach trip is OFF. The only reason you ever use Google maps is to check there's a McDonalds in the vicinity of your destination. You need to be within view of somewhere you can get food at all times otherwise your friends will be walking around with a hangry monster all day.
2. The hunger is REAL
How long is it since you last ate? Five hours? Ten minutes? Oh WHO KNOWS - time is but an abstract concept when you haven't eaten in God-knows-how-long.
3. One of something is just never enough
You can't just try one flavour of ice cream, you have to try all the flavours of ice cream. Because what if there was a better flavour and you missed out on it because you had STUPID strawberry ice cream AGAIN? No. You must try all. The anxiety is real.
4. Every trip you ever take is based solely around what kind of food there will be
The one condition of your next holiday is that you don't want to go sightseeing, you don't even care if you have a pool, you just want to know that the food is going to be amazing and that there's going to be a lot of it.
5. You have to work out hella hard
Because that indulgent lifestyle don't come easy. You're basically living the life of a competitive eater right now: work out all day, eat 50 hot dogs in quick succession by night.
6. Eating out always requires stretchy trousers
There's no such thing as a bandeau dress in your wardrobe, it's all about stretchy stretchy trousers when you go out for dinner. No matter what the occasion - dinner with friends, a date, a work event - you're all about those Pheobe Buffay pregnancy pants. Give that waist a chance to expand!
7. You always want to try stuff from other people's plates but aren't keen on sharing yourself
If your friends want to borrow clothes, fine. If they need a tenner for their taxi, that's cool. If they want to live in your house for two weeks while they have another argument with their boyf, no problemo. But if they dare try and take another swipe at your slice of chocolate fudge cake you gon' break a bitch.
8. Your Instagram feed is just food porn
Whilst normal people are alone watching real porn, you're climbing into bed with a B.M.T sub and making soft, gaspy noises at the pictures under the #MacAndCheese hashtag.
9. There's ALWAYS food stashed in your bag
There's a pocket for your lipstick, a pouch for your loose change, and a whole section of your handbag dedicated to your vast collection of mars bars, mini cheddars and boiled sweets. Because what if - God forbid - you're stuck in a long queue and hunger strikes? Then what, huh? People don't want to see you hulk out in the line to get your passport renewed. The safest option is to take everything out of your bag and restock it with Curly Wurlies. It's best for everyone.
10. People act like you're some sort of miracle eating machine
If there's any way to impress newcomers, it's to scoff a whole shepherd's pie in ten minutes and then ask what's for dessert, right? People end up just putting different food in front of you, slack-jawed, as you shovel more and more into the garbage shoot that is your mouth. It's an impressive skill, one that is guaranteed to bring you many friends.
11. Throwing away food makes you SO. ANGRY.
Just because that lady across the restaurant left a few chips on her plate that doesn't mean it's ok for you to dive over tables, eat all over them and shout "shame on you!" through a mouth full of chips. Must. Remember. That.
Are you hungry all the time? Tell us about it! @sofeminineUK
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