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Every Single Thing That Happens Every Time You Go To Primark

Lareese Craig
By Lareese Craig Published on 2 May 2015
88 232 shares

Once a month, usually near pay day, something happens to all us girls. Yes, the time has come for... the Primark trip. Oh. Dear. God. It's such a big deal for us that we've come up with 22 things that happen every time we go in. From giving ourselves a pep talk at the door to fighting with the T-shirt pile, here's what happens when a girl enters the bargain fashion store. Take a deep breath...

There's no denying that something comes over you when you enter Primark. Who knows if it's thought of buying leopard print thongs for £2.00 or heels for next to nothing, not forgetting the wall of arm candy waiting for you in the accessories section. We've identified the key stages every girl goes through when faced with the Primark shop.

1. The hurried run walk

One doesn't walk into Primark. Oh no. One hurries. You can see the seven letter sign in the distance, you pick up the pace, you even look behind you to see if you can overtake the slow walker and before you know if you're walking like your legs don't belong to you anymore.

2. The basket dilemma

Ah, the question of all questions. If you get a basket will it cast a bad omen on your shopping spree, causing you to go home... empty handed? (shock). Unlikely, this is Primark after all. Or will you fill it with everything in sight? We've got a fair bit of experience now and here's the inside tack - ALWAYS go for the basket.

3. The grab

No, we're not talking about a Big Fat Gypsy dating ritual, we're talking retail. The grabbing stage usually happens right at the beginning, when you're overcome with unnecessary excitement for all those cheap clothes. Before you've even looked at the jelly shoes they're in your hand and you're stroking them uncontrollably. Then you're picking up tees by the dozen. The key here is not to panic. You can always throw down your basket in the shoe area and casually amend your madness.

4. You lose your friend to knitwear

Everyone knows that to tackle Primark you need some serious moral support, that is, until you step foot in the store and it becomes a solo conquest. Oh, and good luck trying to get signal. No matter who you enter the store with, once you're through the doors you won't find each other again for hours.

5. You buy in every colour

For the gym, for the summer, for the hell of it! Who needs an excuse when the tank tops are £2.00 a go? We’ll have it in pink, red and blue oh and black. Just because!

6. The boyfriend challenge

As if filling your basket for one person wasn't enough, you decide to browse the men's section for other-half buys. Even if he doesn't like loud Hawaiian shirts it's ok. Because it was cheap.

7. The decider

At some point you'll be torn between two items but then you remember where you are and it's a no brainer. Just get both! That would never happen in Topshop.

8. Question time

When the adrenaline wears off, you suddenly become very unstable about your decisions. You have a conversation with yourself that usually goes something like this: "Is it nice? Or nice for Primark?".

9. You mark your territory

Wanna beat the nice girl out of you? Head to Primark. Whether you break out in full blown fisticuffs or just exchange evils over the pile of pants, you’re guaranteed to experience confrontation of some kind. Just make sure YOU get the last pair of built-in fake bum Spanx.

10. The complication

Something always goes wrong. Someone faints from the heat, the security guard sends you on your way for holding a Coke can (no drinks in Primark, WTF? It's 100 degrees), the lift breaks. You're in hell from start to finish.

11. The helpful shopper syndrome

Admit it. You're only folding that polo neck back on the pile because the shop assistant's watching you like a hawk. As soon as her back's turned. Boom, throw and run, throw and run #guilty.

12. You veto an item

We'd happily go into Topshop, Zara and Miss Selfridge and pay £40.00 for a top but £20.00 for a cardigan in Primark? No. Chance.

13. You call it Primani at least once

We've yet to find someone that doesn't do this. We don't know where it came from or why we do it. But we just can't stop.

14. The jewellery trance

You've never liked tacky, huge, overly sparkly bling before but... something's happening. Oh, no. It fell in the basket. Just walk away before the shame takes over.

15. You get THAT feeling

Just when you thought your deal of the bargains couldn't get much better they go and put a gorgeous red line through the price tag. Break out into star jumps? We would, but man alive it’s too hot at Primarni (see).

16. You CBA with the changing rooms

Nah, sorry we're with the exhibitionist on this one.

17. The queue

If you're lucky enough to have survived up to this point you've got two options. You either duck and run or get stuck in. If you join the line you know you're gonna lose at least an hour of your life. If you go home, you've shopped for nothing. Suck it up, prepare to sweat and remember the returns queue is way worse.

18. The trolly dash

It’s those last minute till point sales that really get you. You’re over joyed to have reached the finish line so you grab everything you think you need. Socks – in the basket. Hair bands – chuck em in. Peckish? Don’t worry we’ve got a multi-pack of Mentos to see us through.

19. The casual convo with the till guy

So what if calling the shop assistant by their name makes you feel good? You've just bought an entire new wardrobe for £90.00. If ever there's a time you're allowed to be overly-happy and stalkerish it's now. Embrace it.

20. The damage

£90! How did that happen? Well, you did just just buy five pairs of shoes, ten tops, three pairs of shorts, a couple of maxi dresses, a statement necklace, a new duvet cover, pillows, pjs, sunglasses and a rose scented candle. All under one roof. Amazing.

21. The wrong size

It's that horrible feeling. When you approach the exit and realise the size 12 you picked up is actually a size 20. Hello, what was the point in the green sticker then? Oh well, it'll do for bed.

22. The exit

You feel pretty smug with your receipt in hand but that doesn't last. That funky smelling brown paper bag tears and turns to mush in the rain and you leave a trail of Haribo behind. Cheers Primark! Until next time...

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by Lareese Craig 88 232 shares

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