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15 Reasons Tampons Are So Effing Luxurious

by Lareese Craig Published on 30 October 2015

Because tampons are a girl's best friend. Not diamonds. Always tampons.

Period tax sucks but rather than get eggy about it we thought we'd give those people who don't bleed from their genitals a lesson in real luxury.

It just really is such a shame that only women get to experience the pillowy opulence of a super-sized tampon. Here's 15 reasons tampons are obviously non-essential, desirable items we just love to burn our bank notes on.

1. All that chill time

Because every girl just loves to sit back with a couple of fridge-cool fanny pads on her puffy, hormonal eyes. We need them because of all the crying - #PMStroubles, amirite?! Pampered puss eat your heart out.

2. They're a special treat

Feck - it’s payday! I know I shouldn’t but I’m gonna treat myself to some cheeky, strawberry scented, pearl-encrusted tampons. All those bathroom bitches gonna be so jealous! Nothing like splashing out on a few collectibles.

3. They're obviously comparable to owning a super yacht

The flow, the sleek interior, the silver service, getting your period is just one big pleasure boat from start to finish. Next stop, the Red Sea.

4. We're spoilt for choice

Pink, yellow, green, regular, super, active fit, it really just depends on how my vagina's feeling that day. I mean, with such choice it's surprising that we can ever even make a decision without a boardroom bellend to show us the righteous path.

5. They're an excessive indulgence

A box of 20 regular tampons will set you back about £3, but we'll probably need more than one box to see us through. We might as well throw some sanitary towels in there too, you know how we like to kit ourselves out for the occasion. It's greedy, really.

6. They're elegant AF

The way they expand in the water. It's graceful. It's beautiful. It's poetry in motion.

7. We can EASILY go without them

Unlike all those tax-free choc chip cookies and Jaffa Cakes yeah? Let’s hope they’re absorbent.

8. They can be difficult to obtain

Just because they come with a string does NOT make them much easier to locate.

9. Sometimes they even come without an applicator

Life is so comfortable when a hard tampon is edging out of your vagina and no amount of moving around on your chair to subtly lodge it back in will help with that. We do like a challenge, after all.

10. Like luxury cars and million dollar champagne, they earn you loads of friends if you handle them with care

You'll make a true BFF if you pass her a tampon in her hour of need. Blood sisters fo' life.

11. They're extraordinary

One doesn't simply 'pop' a tampon in, there's a lot of hoops you gotta jump through first. Hips shoulder width apart, bend at the knee, aim, insert, click, wrap, wash, waddle.

12. Like a hot stone massage, they soothe all our troubles away

Can’t wait for this day to be over so I can indulge in a long bath, some whale music and a cotton pussy plug - said no one ever. Gotta love extravagant sanitation.

13. They're basically the same as birthday presents

Look at all these cute little gifts we get to unwrap, we’re so blessed. Happy birthday uterus. Happy birthday.

14. It happens once a month

That first twinge of cramp brings nothing but joy. Like getting paid, it’s a rare pleasure. If pleasure involves being scared to sneeze and cradling your crimson monster with a hot water bottle for 5 days.

15. They're so damn fashionable

"Periods really are the best!" you say with the stranger in the public toilet, raising your glasses of tap water in a cheers before using it to sink some paracetamol. "That's a beautiful necklace," the stranger says, complementing you on your neckpiece made entirely of unused tampons, varying in sizes and shapes, hanging down like cottony Swarovski crystals. Yeah, tampons, periods... they really are the key to having it all.

What are your thoughts on tampon tax? Tweet us @sofeminineUK!

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by Lareese Craig