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Love & Sex

21 Things We'd Definitely Do If We Were Boys

Lareese Craig
by Lareese Craig Published on 28 April 2014
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Beyonce was onto something when she hit number one with her man-shaming hit If I Were A Boy, we mean, the woman is ALWAYS right. We like her thinking and have come up with twenty-one things we'd do if we were guys. Listen up fellas, there’s a valuable lesson or two to be learned here! And just for the record - we’d do a WAY better job. Naturally.

Once we'd gotten over the shock of finding ourselves transformed into men, we'd immediately try to pee standing up and would then have an exploratory play with our man parts. Once the obvious were over and done with we'd start on this little list and who knows, we might even make a few (thousand) women fall in love with us along the way...

1. We’d always hold the door open.

Come on how hard is it, you get to check out our junk and come across as the old romantic. It’s a win-win situation. Forget about the sexist stuff, it's called being polite!

2. We wouldn’t moan at you when you’re trying to get ready.

As much as we say we're doing all this to make ourselves feel good we're really doing it for you. So instead of hurrying us up why not try something ground-breaking and give us a compliment.

3. We’d let you spend as much time as you need in the home section.

You can take as much time as you need in Next, Marks & Spencers and John Lewis looking at pretty pillows, duvets and candles because you know what it takes to make a house a home.

4. We’d never forget our anniversary.

We’d even give you a handmade card. Get us!

5. We'd always notice when you got your hair done.

If we’re flicking our hair around like a crazy cat it’s not because we’re madly turned on (sorry) it’s because we want you to notice we just spent £80.00 on a blowdry.

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6. We’d think carefully about our shoes.

If you can see your face in them then you’ve gone too far with the shoe shine, if you’d be turned away from a club in them then please dude, ever heard of Brogues?

7. We’d be capable of having a two-way conversation.

If you’ve said 'I' more than 50 times in the last 10 minutes and still not asked a single thing about us then you really should just date yourself. It’s not impressive, it sucks. You suck.

8. We wouldn’t burp in public.

That counts for the other end too. We would say that it goes without saying. But it doesn’t.

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9. We’d always give you our coat.

Those things you were gawping at over dinner earlier yeah, they happen to get really cold, so cold in fact that they could cut glass. Man up and handover your barbour sharpish.

10. We’d let you take photos.

If it wasn’t for us you wouldn’t have a single snap of that trip to Thailand, your last birthday, or your graduation. So next time we wanna take a selfie or add a pretty flower to our Instagram, don’t judge us. Join us.

11. We’d know your real size.

Because nothing’s more depressing than having him think you’re four sizes bigger than you are in the trouser depo and three sizes small in the bra zone. Know it. Log it. We’ll love you for it.

12. We’d never underestimate flowers.

And if you get them delivered into work we’ll get to be the office show off all week.

13. We’d understand if you want to watch Disney films and sing/cry along.

Let it go… let it go!

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14. We’d buy you chocolate without needing to be told.

Cadbury’s please.

15. We’d surprise you.

A weekend in Paris, you shouldn’t have! A shopping trip in Zara and perfume also do the trick.

16. We’d let you vent when you needed to.

Believe it or not when we have a breakdown a blank stare doesn’t help us out. At all. We need words guys, words.

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17. We’d never skip foreplay.

It’s unforgivable. That’s all you need to know.

18. We’d never say you look fine.

Fine. I look fine? Get a thesaurus and give us some alternative praise.

19. We'd be your knight in shining armour.

You'd never have to face a spider again.

20. We’d stop obsessing over Mila Kunis.

No we’re not jealous we fancy her too. We’d just rather you didn’t mention her, ever. And whilst we’re at it, Anne Hathaway, Kim Kardashian, Megan Fox – also beautifully boring.

21. We’d grow some balls.

Literally, if we hear a noise in the middle of the night we need to know you’ll go down there in your smalls and fight off whatever’s down there, even if it is the boiler.

What would you do if you were a guy for the day? Tweet us @sofeminineUK

by Lareese Craig