Most of the time having sex with guys is mind-blowing, passionate, hot, sweaty and down right dirty. You know, the kind of sex that has you turned on for DAYS afterwards. But every so often we encounter guys who just have bad manners when it comes to their bedroom behaviour.
From forgetting about foreplay to putting your fingers in our butts and other X-rated moves we're just not ready for, here's the 25 most annoying things a man can do in bed.
Avoid these no-no's and he'll be well on his way to being the most considerate, inventive and generous lover you've EVER had. Guys, we hope you're bookmarking this now.
1. Forgetting foreplay
The biggest crime against pleasure? Forgetting about foreplay. Sure a hard and fast quickie is welcome every so often, but when it comes to a session, it's not just about sticking it in and pumping away. There's a whole lot more to our body's than our vagina. Remember what Monica taught men - there are SEVEN erogenous zones. SEVEN.
2. Trying to give us a 'special' face mask
We know, this looks so fun in the movies. It's the sex equivalent of a cream pie. But unless you like the thought of your own jizz on your face you gotta understand that we might not like it either. Stop aiming that thing so close to our eyes, it's the kinda thing Terry Richardson would do which makes it hella creepy.
3. Giving us a chest massage
While we're talking about the white stuff, here's another annoying thing men do in bed. Shoot their load on your boobs then rub it all over them like it's a massage oil. One that smells funny and then turns sticky. And crispy. Not nice.
4. Pulling our hair
We're not gonna lie, a little hair pulling is fine. It's a chance to revisit your playground urges and just pull on that ponytail like you weren't allowed to before. A little tugging is fine but when our hair comes OUT from the scalp? Not. So. Hot.
5. Pushing our heads down
We know where we've got to put it ok? We're already down there. We DON'T need the extra encouragement, unless you want us to puke in your pubes.
6. Doing doggy style (all the damn time)
Doggy is by far one of the best positions, and no wonder, he gets a great view and it feels great for us too. But all the time? Yawn.
7. Put your fingers WHERE?
Bottoms. They're fun aren't they? But unless you've got a clear contractual agreement on access all areas, then don't even think about it.
8. Finish WAY too soon
But, I only just took off my panties...
9. Not reciprocating
You came. You slept. We sulked. Reciprocate. End of.
10. Talking to us like we're nasty
If you're charming and polite by day but turn into a potty mouth in the bedroom, it's kinda freaky. It doesn't sound like you and it makes us wonder who the hell we're sleeping with. It also transpires that it's not that much of a turn-on to be insulted.
11. Pretending like they know what they're doing
We think it's great when guys try things and do their best to pleasure us in bed. We LOVE it. 100 per cent. And definitely - confidence IS sexy. But guys shouldn't be afraid to admit defeat. If you're not sure about whether that's her clit or not, do yourself a favour and just ask.
Oh we're sorry. We're not coming fast enough for you? Your jaw hurts? Your tongue is tired? Hearing about that ain't gonna get us there any faster. Shhh.
13. Shutting your eyes
We'd much rather you looked at our hot, 3D bodies (as in right here in front of you) rather than imagined Jennifer Lawrence bouncing away on top.
14. Sucking our fingers (or toes)
Ok, so some people, SOME, get a kick out of a little toe or finger sucking. But not everyone. Proceed with caution with this technique.
15. Trying to kiss us after you know what
Miranda from SATC had this one right. We don't want to lock lips with ourselves.
16. Playing too rough
So the girls in porn seem to like things pretty hard and fast and rough. But remember they get paid to 'like' it like that. Chances are your lover doesn't want to be beaten round the face with your man parts, be given an 'erotic' two handed strangle or get pummelled so hard she gets whiplash.
17. Ignoring our clitoris
YOU SERIOUSLY NEED TO GET INTRODUCED TO EACH OTHER. We promise, once you meet you'll be besties for life.
18. Biting our nipples
A little teeth grazing, hot. Biting our nipples? Are. You. Insane.
19. Going for the wrong hole... accidentally
Don't think we don't know what you're doing. It's our god damn butt hole.
20. Bypassing seduction
Candlelight, soft music, massage oil. Don't ditch these vital tools once you've passed the six month anniversary. Seduction is where all the fun starts. Set the mood. Rev us up. Tease us. Make us WANT you and your efforts will be rewarded. Pinkie promise.
21. Being too quiet
Mute sex? It's just awkward.
22. Wearing socks
Take them off guys. Take them off. Even you David Gandy.
23. Leaving us to clean up
Not only do we have to pick up your socks (once they've been removed), clean the kitchen after you and generally tidy up after your man trail of domestic destruction, we're also responsible for the post sex clean up job? Get some bedside table tissues already.
24. Wanting to be daddy
"Come to daddy?" is NOT what we want to hear just before straddling you with no clothes on.
25. Falling asleep straight after
We know biologically this is what you're inclined to do, but every so often a post coital snuggle would be real nice. Or an orgasm (see point no.9). Just saying.
Know of anything more sex sins that guys do in bed? Tweet us @sofeminineUK