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Squashed Organs, Shapewear Selfies And Holding Onto Your Pee: 24 Stages Girls Go Through With Spanx

by Teddi Ginsberg ,
Squashed Organs, Shapewear Selfies And Holding Onto Your Pee: 24 Stages Girls Go Through With Spanx

Spanx are a glorious invention. They hide a multitude of sins and can give any girl a celebrity worthy body without the gruelling workouts or ridiculous diet. In fact, interviews, weddings and parties just wouldn't be the same without a good pair of Spanx. So in celebration (and okay, frustration too) here are 24 key stages every girl goes through with Spanx.

Lily Allen snapped herself dancing in her Spanx this week and while we wouldn't be quite so brave, it pretty much proves our point that a good pair of Spanx is behind every successful woman. From Beyonce to Kim Kardashian and even Kristen Stewart, there's not a style savvy woman in Hollywood who doesn't have a shapewear obsession.

But that doesn't mean wearing Spanx is always easy. Do these stages sound familiar? Thought so.

1. Deciding which style to buy

Okay, we've made the conscious decision to purchase shapewear. But why are there so many damn styles to choose from? Do we want Power Panties, a Mid-Thigh Shaper, or a High-Waisted Shorty? Wait, they have bras? Do we need that too?!

2. The size nightmare

What the hell is this size chart? Sizes A through to G? What happened to Small, Medium, Large? The whole reason we're buying Spanx in the first place is so that we don't have to think about the size of our thighs! And of course we ALWAYS fall between two sizes. Typical.

3. Nude or black?

Screw it, we'll take one of each.

4. Putting them on

Oh boy, here we go. A foot through each hole. Okay, off to a good start. Now we just need to slide 'em up... Wait a sec...where did we put that moisturiser?

5. Wrestling into them

What the hell?! How in the world are we supposed to get these on? This is like dragging suction cups up our legs.

6. Adjust, adjust, adjust

By the time we've pulled them up we're red faced, sweating hard and have usually pulled one of those tiny muscles in our hands. But now comes the fun part. ADJUSTING. Suck in, tuck in and try not to breathe.

7. Mirror check

This is where we check the damn things are doing what they're supposed to. Did we manage to squidge in that roll of back fat? Do we actually look any slimmer? Oh great, there's my back cleavage.

8. The Bridget Jones moment

We realise we look Hid.E.Ous. Somehow Spanx have transformed our figure into something resembling a stuffed sausage. Weren't they supposed to make us less porky and more pretty? Huff.

9. Doubling up

You can still see a bulge. Time to bring out the reinforcements. That extra pair to wear on top? It's going ON. Twice as slinky right? SEXY.


10. The Spanx-induced panic

Is that footsteps on the stairs? Did we lock the door? Sh*t did we lock the door?! NO ONE is allowed to see us in this state.

11. Cursing ourselves for needing 'em

Suddenly we're questioning everything that has led to this very moment. Should we have gone to that spinning class and skipped that second cupcake? Hell, did we really need to have a baby? Then maybe we wouldn't need these damn things.

12. The fabulous feeling

Once we've slipped on that dress we get it. Spanx have literally saved us from certain shame. From giving away TMI about our cellulite or flashing some VPL, our freak'um dress now looks hotter than EVER! Score!

13. Believing Spanx can save the world

Suddenly we wonder what other world problems Spanx can solve...

14. The selfie session

If we managed to get into the damned things we're going to take at least a hundred selfies showing off our slim line look (while it lasts). We NEED some serious insta-likage to make it worthwhile.

15. Wedgies galore

Is that someone grabbing our ass? Or just our Spanx cheekily slipping into the wrong place? We know wedgies go with the territory when it comes to Spanx, but once they've committed to a journey up your butt there is literally NO turning back.

16. Sitting super carefully

So we should have really checked the hem of our frock to the length of our Spanx BEFORE buying them but it's nothing a little tugging can't hide. Problem is, after a drink or two we're liable to be tugging on the wrong hem. So much for keeping them a secret.

17. Waiting for compliments

Because, hello? You look slim and fabulous. Why has nobody noticed yet!!!

18. Deciding you CAN have an extra beer/slice of cake/canapé

You're wearing Spanx goddamit, calories don't exist.

19. The perpetual hoisting

If we had a dollar for every time we had to hoist them up? We'd be rolling in it. Speaking of which...

20. The under boob

Our Spanx do a fantastic job of holding us in around the middle, but the roll of fat that gets left out at the top? That's one impressive new under boob we've got going on.

21. That crushing feeling

After a few hours wear, something BAD is definitely happening to your vital organs. Get. Them. Off.

22. Holding onto your pee

Seeing as you need at least half an hour to be able to go pee, Spanx are actually a pretty good workout for your pelvic floor. Who'd have thought it?

23. Hating on them pre-hookup

Spanx could ruin EVERYTHING.

24. Peeling them off at the end of the night

Best. Feeling. Ever.

How would you describe your love/hate relationship with Spanx? Tweet us @sofeminineUK

Teddi Ginsberg
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