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22 Stages Every Girl Goes Through When Fake Tanning

by Lareese Craig Published on 3 May 2015
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If only achieving a golden tan didn't mean smelling like biscuits and messing up your bed sheets. For all the effort it takes out of us, here's the 22 stages every girl goes through when they hit the bottle. Because believe it or not being orange doesn't come naturally to us.

1. You dedicate a night to this sh*t

You don't make any plans for the next 10 hours simply because you want a night in, by yourself to do your fake tan in peace. And if we're being honest, you wanna wrap your hair in a towel turban, sing into the hairbrush and soak your feet in lukewarm water. With bubbles.

2. The face

We don't even know where to start. So we swipe, we dab and then we put on some more.

3. You forget to grease your elbows

The bit when you're supposed to rub Vaseline on your nobbly bits, yeah, we never do that.

4. You slap it on

There's only so much damage control you can do when armed with a squeezy/oily bottle and a mitt. Slap it on and hope for the best.

5. You can NEVER do your back

Even with the most flexible arms in the business you can't quite reach that bit between your shoulder blades can you. Where's Mr Tickle when you need him?

6. The leg shave

Damn it. We couldn't resist. And now our leg pores are all open and big and stuff.

7. You only do the bits on show

You know when you just paint the two or three toes you can actually see in your peep heels? Same goes for tanning. If you can't see it, don't bother.

8. The carpet blob

Try as we will to avoid that lovely cream carpet we can't help but give the shagpile a fake tan too.

9. You smell like...

If you're lucky, you'll smell something like an oaty, cakey biscuit. If you're not you'll smell like cat p••s. There's really no telling which way it will go.

10. The massive f*ck up

OK admit it, you got impatient with the whole thing and applied the 'instant' like it was 'gradual' and now you're glued to your mirror trying not to scream. WHEN. WILL. IT. STOP.

11. Your dad acts awkward

He doesn't know what to say to you without causing offence, so he just does the face. Followed by an awkward belly forward stance and a silent walk way. No questions asked.

12. Your hands don't look like skin anymore

Ain't got no time to be messing around with toothpaste and lemon juice. We'll take the orange hands thanks.

13. The bed sheets

Your fresh, white linen sheets are now a lovely shade of St Tropez and...they stink. And look like you had an accident. Great.

14. You can't sleep

Duvet on, kick duvet off, repeat. It's sticky, you feel gross, you smell gross. Eugh, remind us why we did this again?

15. The morning after

*Rush to the mirror* How do I look? Oh dear god we'd cry if it didn't make our tans run.

16. The oompa loompa

'Just one more coat on my face,' she said. Famous last words. When should we have stopped?

17. The shower

It's shower number four and yet you still smell like a human pastry.

18. The streaks

We were sure we applied it as evenly as humanly possible but somehow we now look like we've got a skin condition all over our legs. Zebras are hot right?

19. The teeth

OK, you over did it but it's fine because your teeth look extra white now #faketanfail.

20. You miss bits

It's fine, we'll just dance with our arms by our sides all night. Just like Pingu.

21. You don't moisturise

You CBA to moisturise every day so you start to flake and peel. Nice. Time to start scrubbing it off yet?

22. You forgot you're in England

Ahead of your night out you decide to go in with the instant industrial stuff that looks like Nutella. And then it rains. Oh dear god NO!

Been through stages 1-22? Share your fake tan fails @sofeminineUK. We're all orange together!

by Lareese Craig 71 shares

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