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25 Things Every Fake Tan Addict Will Relate To

by Rose Adams ,
25 Things Every Fake Tan Addict Will Relate To

We've all got our vices and I'm happy to admit mine's fake tan. If you too live by the mantra 'life is better brown' (and erm sometimes a little orange), then this is for you! It ain't nothing to be ashamed of after all. From patchy palms to streaky ankles, we're in this together. So grab your bottle of choice and repeat after me: 'I WILL exfoliate first' cos we all know it's better to be fleeky rather than flaky...

My name's Rose and I'm a self confessed tan addict. 'Tanorexic' if you will. I live for the tan-tastic life and nothing makes me happier than a fresh application of the good stuff. Yes we've had electricity, yes we've had the internet, but I challenge you to find something more impressive than going to bed looking a bleak pale hue, and waking up looking like you've spent a week in the Caribbean. It's a REVELATION I tell you.

And there are totally worse things to be addicted to, right? As long as we aren't frying our skin under the harmful rays of the sun or laying on sunbeds every week, then what's the harm, eh? It's time to grab your mitts and mousse, and remember the golden (sorry) rule: we didn't choose the tan life, the tan life chose us. Here's all the things that will make every self tan addict say 'yeah that's me'.

1. Getting excited about that new application you're gonna race home and slather on

2. Wearing white isn't an option for you, everything in your wardrobe is black and loose

3. Getting hella anxious when your tan starts to fade

4. Knowing you should scrub and exfoliate before said new application but choosing not to anyway, cos time is precious

5. Taking a small supply on holiday with you, 'cos even though you know you're gonna get a banging real tan after a 'bathing sesh, those first few days without it fill you with dread

6. You never get tired of people telling you how brown you look

7. That sense of never feeling quite brown enough

One more layer won't hurt!

8. When the 'dark' shade STILL isn't dark enough for you

... are they gonna bring out a darker dark orrrrrrr?

9. It doesn't bother you in the slightest that you've got bright orange palms

You've used it for so long the sight of them at their normal colour actually looks more strange

10. And you definitely don't care one bit that you've stained your sheets again


11. ... or the fact that your bedding smells of that not so lovely (but now actually a little comforting) biscuitty whiff

12. You've always got a spare stash of tan lying around somewhere for emergencies. And by emergencies I mean running out, that would be a disaster

13. You've tried every different brand and product on the market

14... but you always end up going back to your fave one in the end, just like a familiar old friend you haven't seen in a while

15. The thought of finding yourself in a situation with no access to fake tan makes you anxious af

16. You get through tanning mitts like nobody's business. Lucky you've always got some spare

17. Turning the water in your bath a funny shade of brown. Not to mention that nasty residue left around the tub turning the white tiles orange

18. Got a white toilet seat? Not after tanning those pins you won't. Oops!

19. Trying to tan those white bits between your fingers is THE most impossible task on earth

20. ... as is matching your knees to the rest of your leg. Preventing them from looking like you've stuck two oranges to the middle of your legs is a task you've yet to master

21. Scraping off that build up that makes you look like you have a rare skin condition from your ankles, elbows and toes is a dreaded (but necessary) weekly chore

22. Matching your face to the rest of your body is a constant struggle but you'll get there in the end. You WILL succeed.

23. You've been using fake tan for so long, you've mastered your own personal application technique, meaning topping up those hard to reach areas like your back are now a doddle

Whether you opt for a loofar with your mitt tied to it, or perhaps contortion your body into a weird position in your mirror, this is easily your most useful talent.

24. You'd NEVER admit it but you always feel secretly smug when your friends complain about being pale, cos you know damn well you're brown the whole year round. Winning.

25. There is NOTHING better than going to bed after applying a fresh layer and waking up beautifully bronzed feeling like a new woman. And I don't think the novelty will ever wear off tbh.

Love fake tan too? Share your struggles with us @SofeminineUK

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Rose Adams
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